Here's the thing everyone has a body and every body is unique. The array of diversity in individual human beings is massive. We come in various heights, weights, colours, shapes, sizes and all our bodies have varied capabilites some can run fast, some can swim, some can jump, some people are very athletic others not so much. Some are strong some are weak, some clumsy, some are agile . Like I say our bodies are unique but then think about this due to the fact our cells are forever breaking down and regenerating even our own bodies are constantly changing. The body I have now is very different to the one I had when i was five or twenty one, my favourite body was the one I had in my forties, me and that body had a lot of fun. I am not so enamoured with my current body.
Whatever our bodies look like they are all amazing in the things they can do. The ability to see, hear, touch, smell and our bodies are brilliant in learning new things walking, running, cycling, driving a car, typing on a keyboard, writing, learning a sport and when our bodies learn new things, although it might take a while once we have mastered something we never forget...imagine trying to forget how to walk, ride a bike or drive a car. We tend to learn new tasks through repitition by doing something over and over again then something clicks and once our body has mastered the task it is like right I have got this, I can do it automatically, you just give me the signal.
All our bodies are like that and here is another crazy thing despite the fact our bodies are unique they all have loads of stuff in common. The foundations the basic structures (though there is nothng basic about it we are all miracles) are the same. For the vast majority of us we all have arms, legs, eyes, ears, nose, teeth, heart, lungs, kidneys, hands, feet, fingers, toes, skin, hair, elbows, knees, blood etc etc This means we can all do the same kind of physical activities just to widely different levels.
I cannot run as fast as Usain Bolt or as far as Mo Farah but I can run. I cannot play football as well as Harry Kane, but I can kick a ball, I cannot fight like Fury or Joshua but I can throw a punch, I cannot race a car like Lewis Hamilton or race a bike like Chris Hoy but I can drive a car and ride a bike and if I want to improve what my body can do i have to train it. If I want to get fitter I can join a gym, if I want to learn to play an instrument I can take lessons the same if I want to learn to dance, put the work in and you can improve. The harder you work the easier things get,
So what about our minds? I have always been fascinated by how our they work, and for simplicity...in my own head i imagine our minds to be similar to our bodies all unique all constantly changing but having loads of things in common the foundations the structures as with our bodies are the same. So we all experience the same emotions just to different levels, we all get fearful we all get anxious, we all feel joy and sadness, despair and hope in our own unique way but we experience the same things.
I was thinking the other day, in the things that we do and the decisions we make, everything is prompted to varying degrees by our flight or fight response. It is that simple.
So when it comes to understanding ourselves and each other we should always pay more attention to the things we have in common as opposed to the things that make us different. We all have skin, what does it matter what colour it is. After all we all have blood and nobody is that fussed about it's colour.
I love all the contradictions life throws at us on one hand we are unbelievably complex whilst at the same time quite simple and so obviously similar and I believe we are all linked. Diverse yet with so much in common. Think of raindrops, millions of individual raindrops falling from the sky but what happens when they fall into the sea?
In the same way our bodies learn new tasks like walking. cycling, driving and learn them in such a way that once learned they are not forgotten... we create mental and emotional patterns in the same way, again just like new physical tasks these patterns become ingrained within us, largely through repitition.
Now one of the things I have always been frustrated about when it comes to our bodies is that we have no control in who we are physically attracted too. It can make life very complicated.
When it comes to our mental patterns what is very frustrating is that our minds do not distinguish between helpful patterns of behaviour and those types of behaviour that hinder us and that too makes life complicated.
As I say in the same way our bodies are forever changing and learning then the same goes on with our minds, so who are we? Who is the real me... I have a unique set of foundations and structures but then I have behavioural patterns shaped by every judgement that has ever been made about me, moulded by the society I live in where I constantly receive messages around how I should behave, what success looks like, what failure looks like.
As a youngster I was always told I wasn't good enough and that I couldn't do things as a result when I became an adult for a long time I could not work out why I experienced a type of paralysis that stopped me doing things I really wanted to do. A classic example of this was when it came to asking out girls who I felt attracted to, a voice in my head was saying 'you'll never do it, you'll mess it up, she won't be interested in you' then sadly for me the flight response invariably kicked in and I ran away. Looking back, I was always encouraged to favour flight over fight.
Unfortunately I was also bullied at school, I didn't reach puberty till I was 17 so going to an all boys secondary school was not pleasant. As I say I got bullied and I was constantly in flight mode so from there came my patterns of suicidal thoughts. Even though I would try to escape and hide from the bullies they always found me. After months of this I started to think about suicide, it is logical really, it is the ultimate hiding place the one place they won't find me, like I say though sadly that creates a pattern that just as with driving a car for my body... my body doesn't forget how to drive a car... my mind never forgets my suicide pattern. So annoyingly I have to face those thoughts whenever I am in a situation I find challenging, or often when I am feeling lonely. I think for the majority of people feeling lost and lonely go hand in hand with dark moods.
So how do I look after myself, well in all seriousness, I have always struggled with human society I feel it is built on lies and is corrupt but I am still here because I love life, I love the wonder of it, the mystery and I am absolutely fascinated by it and especially by how our minds work. Rightly or wrongly I feel I understand a lot and I think I can convey that to others in fairly simple terms.
I had ten years where I didn't work I spent most of my time on the internet trying to understand myself and unintentionally, in doing so, gaining a greater understanding of others.
We have to treat our minds in the same way we look after our bodies, I find it empowering to know I have a great deal of control as to my mental strength and fitness in the same way I have control over my body.
We don't have to join a gym to improve the fitness of our minds though because life is a mental workout and it is fascinating.
I have a few things that I fall back on to help me stay healthy.
Number One a quote by Voltaire
"Doubt is an uncomfortable condition but certainty is absurd"
I love that quote it has been a massive help to me over the last 5 years. If you think about it you can only get extreme emotional or physical behaviours, if you have certainty in a particular belief, zealous religious beliefs or fervent political leanings... without misguided certainty you cannot have extremism. Yet other than dying none of us can really be certain of anything. We definitely cannot be certain about what anyone else is thinking. Or whether our opinions are more worthy than anyone else's. I have loads of opinions but I am not certain of any of them.
Number Two
"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change"
Like most humans I find it far easier to have negative thoughts and it is far easier to be lazy, sad and unmotivated than energetic happy and hopeful.
Let's think about negative thoughts, what fuels them. If 19 people tell you how well you look today and one person tells you, you look a state. It is more than likely you will focus on the one negative comment. So change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. 19 people said you look great, that is a good day...a bloody miraculous day in my case!
There is a narrative around today that says other people are responsible for how we feel about ourselves, they can certainly have an impact but ultimately we have the control and the stronger and healthier our minds the more control we have and the less impact others have.
Quick example 10 people in a day tell you, you're a banana. Do you go home worrying that you may in fact be a banana and you never knew? Of course you don't.
10 people in a day tell you that you are ugly, that's gonna be upsetting but only because we let it upset us. It plays on our doubts and insecurities but the same people who said you were ugly also thought you were a banana...so what do they know, really?
Another example, I hate walking into a room full of people on my own, I feel a failure, society has told me from a very young age that successful adults have a partner as a result I feel incredibly insecure and I see myself as a loser who nobody will want to speak to. Here is the funny thing though I am quite comfortable delivering a presentation to a room full of people. I quite like performing but I don't see a room full of say 30 people. I see an audience as a singular. Change the way you look at things, the things you look at change and in turn so does the way you feel.
Number Three
The metaphorical million pound question.
I will let you into a secret, I have never been a fan of recovery language. I am much more into empowering language, encouraging positive self talk. Henry Ford said "Whether you say you can do something or whether you say you can't...you're probably going to be right."
If you continually tell yourself that you're not good enough and you can't do things then those messages become a self fulfilling prophecy. I use the million pound question to combat some of my unwanted but automatic flight responses.
I first used it when I dabbled in hypnotherapy people would say "I want to quit smoking but I can't" or "I want to lose weight but I just can't" both of those statements are lies.There is a good reason for those lies though, none of us are comfortable with change and to make changes in our lives takes effort. Telling yourself you can't do something is much more final than saying you choose not to do something. In saying 'can't' you are abdicating your responsibility. If you can't you don't have to try.
So I would ask a smoker "On a scale of one to ten, how hard would it be to go a week without a cigarette?" Most would answer 9 or 10. So then I would ask them the metaphorical million pound question. "If I said you would be given a million pound if you went a week without a cigarette... on a scale of one to ten how hard would it be." Turned out everyone was sure they could do it for a million quid. The question, in a subtle way, empowers people they are confronted with the realisation they have more control than they thought, it also ties in quite nicely with change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.
So when I feel I am struggling and feel i am never gonna get the hang of something or when i think i don't wanna be around anymore I ask myself the million pound question. "Gary, could you hang on for another week if you were gonna get a million quid at the end of it?" of course I could.
At the turn of the year I started exercising. I exercise as soon as I get up not loads, just press ups and stomach exercises and though the imagery is not pleasant (so my apologies reader) I do squats in the shower. On the mornings I think I can't be bothered I say to myself Gary could you do it if there was a million quid in it for you as a result I have exercised pretty much every morning this year and it is becoming a helpful pattern.
Number Four
"Every storm will pass"
Around ten years ago I discovered a book called the Tao te Ching 81 verses supposedly written in China 2500 years ago it is a beautiful book, packed with wisdom and has helped me massively. I would recommend it to anyone interested in their mental fitness. Verse 23 is one of my favourites and says...
To talk little is natural. Fierce winds do not blow all morning, a downpour of rain does not last a day, Who does this, heaven and earth. But these are exaggerated forced effects and that is why they cannot be sustained...If heaven and earth cannot sustain a forced action, how much less is man able to do so?
I take from this that as human beings we cannot sustain an extreme emotional state, whether that is profound sadness, extreme outbursts of anger and violence, grief, despair, hopelessness. Without any intervention at all those feelings will pass in time, when I get really down I know from 50 years of experience that dark mood will pass and I find that comforting.
Number Five
"Treat everyone as you would like to be treated yourself" a Buddhist take on this is... "Treat all life as though it were your mother in a previous life."
I know myself really well. I am kind, funny truthful and wise. I know I can also be unmotivated, I am pretty shallow at times and I get bored quite quickly. I am not the most sociable person. However when I am around people I love them (for around 60 to 90 minutes) and I always try to be respectful, honest and kind. I think respect and honesty go hand in hand but some people can be uncomfortable with honesty, which is sad.
Number Six
Ultimately it's on me.
If I wanted to get get physically fitter I wouldn't give someone else my trainers and ask them to go running for me.
If I want to get fitter and stronger mentally it is up to me, other people can offer advice but my mental state is ultimately on me and I like that.
My happiness and state of mind is not someone else's responsibility it is mine, that is not to say other people can't help they can and I really appreciate it when they do. By and large though other people only reinforce how I feel about myself. For instance rightly or wrongly I believe I am a good writer better than most... if other people praise my writing it makes me feel good, if they say I am a crap writer I don't care they may as well be claiming I am a banana! Conversely I feel a failure because I am single and live at home with my parents. If people told me I wasn't a failure I wouldn't believe them. Whereas if someone told me I was a pathetic loser it would strike a nerve. However I have got stronger and negative comments do not affect me as much as they used to so one day I want to walk into a social gathering on my own feeling as happy and confident as I did when I was in a relationship. I haven't got there yet but I know it is possible.
Number Seven
I really enjoy writing :-) it is kinda like counselling myself.
