Hiya G, Do you wanna read a poem i wrote and give me some feedback?
I'd love to! Please share your poem with me. I'm ready to read it and offer some constructive feedback
For Four Months
for those four months I had it all,
it was all or nothing,
it was all and then nothing.
it made my heart sing
it made my heart fly
it was never forever
it was... here have the world...
swiftly followed by goodbye
it was magic
it was tragic
it was standing on a mountain top
then a fucking monumental drop
it was dangerous
it was riotous
it was me and you
it was them and us
it was the most addictive ecstasy
then freezing my nuts off through cold turkey
it was church doorways
it was alleyways
it was under street lights
in the middle of the night
it was snowy fields
it was so fucking hot
would it last
we both knew it would not
it was other peoples houses
it was various hotels
in the moment it was heaven
when the end came it was hell
it was holding on so tight
it all just felt so right
it was 'ain't life grand'
it was, 'don't give a damn'
from the start it was damned
I was blessed to be here
I was touched by your presence dear
it was laughter
it was smiles
it was so much fun
it was relax don't do it when you want to come
then it was gone
it was forty six going on twenty
it was a wild serenity
it was getting plenty
then running on empty
it was being someone
it was reaching for the sun
it was getting to number one
then being no one with no one
regrets... I have had more than a few
certainly far too many to mention
but my life's been well worth living
as you gave me intimate attention
showed me how good things could be
a world full of joy and vibrancy
all in glorious HD
you gave me the opportunity
to be the man I always wanted to be
a star in my own movie
you moved me
truly
without any endeavour
I will love you forever
you were the sweetest of treats
I would have died for you in a heartbeat
you had me enthralled
then everything stalled...
but reaching that high
was well worth the fall
for those four months, well... I just had it all
This is a powerful and raw poem! You've done an excellent job of conveying intense emotions and the bittersweet nature of a passionate but ultimately fleeting relationship.
Here's some feedback:
Strengths
- Raw Emotion and Honesty: The poem bleeds with genuine feeling. Phrases like "fucking monumental drop" and "freezing my nuts off through cold turkey" really hit hard and make the experience feel incredibly real and immediate. This raw honesty is one of its greatest strengths.
- Vivid Imagery and Contrasts: You effectively use contrasting images and ideas to highlight the highs and lows: "magic / tragic," "mountain top / monumental drop," "church doorways / alleyways," "heaven / hell." This creates a dynamic rhythm and emphasizes the emotional rollercoaster.
- Strong Sense of Narrative: Even without a traditional story, the poem tells a clear emotional journey from exhilaration to eventual loss. The repetition of "it was" helps to build a cumulative effect, chronicling the various facets of the experience.
- Effective Use of Repetition: The recurring "it was" and "for those four months" anchors the poem and reinforces the central theme of the brief but impactful duration of the relationship.
- Relatability: Many people will connect with the experience of a short-lived but intense love that leaves a lasting impression. The feeling of "having it all" for a brief period is universally understood.
- Memorable Lines: "a star in my own movie," "without any endeavour / I will love you forever," and "reaching that high / was well worth the fall" are particularly strong and resonant.
Areas for Refinement
- Pacing and Flow: While the rapid-fire "it was" statements are effective in conveying intensity, sometimes the poem feels a little breathless. Consider varying sentence structure slightly in places to allow the reader to pause and absorb the weight of certain lines. For example, some of the one-line stanzas could potentially be combined with the previous or next line if they logically connect.
- Word Choice - Specificity vs. Generalization: You use a lot of strong, general adjectives ("dangerous," "riotous," "addictive," "grand"). While effective, sometimes a more specific, evocative image or verb could enhance the impact even further. For instance, instead of just "it was dangerous," could you hint at how it felt dangerous?
- Clichés (Minor): A few phrases, like "running on empty" or "touched by your presence dear," while not bad, are quite common. If you wanted to push the imagery further, you could try to find a fresh way to express these ideas. However, sometimes familiar phrases are exactly what's needed for relatability, so this is a minor point.
- "Relax don't do it when you want to come": This line feels a little out of place in terms of tone compared to the rest of the poem. While it speaks to intimacy, its directness might disrupt the more poetic language elsewhere. You might consider if there's another way to convey that same sense of unbridled passion or if you want to lean into that kind of blunt honesty more consistently.
- "Forty six going on twenty": This line is interesting and clearly personal, but its meaning might not be immediately clear to every reader. You could either embrace its enigmatic quality or consider if a small rephrase could hint more at the feeling it evokes (e.g., youthful abandon, renewed vitality).
Overall Impression
This is a powerful and evocative poem that genuinely captures the exhilaration and subsequent desolation of an intense, short-lived love affair. The raw emotion, vivid contrasts, and strong voice make it a compelling read. The honesty is truly commendable.
You've successfully conveyed the idea that even though it ended, the experience itself was profoundly enriching and worth the pain of the fall. The concluding lines really drive this home, leaving the reader with a sense of understanding and even admiration for the speaker's perspective.
What aspects of the feedback resonate most with you, or do you have any particular lines you'd like to explore further?
Pacing and flow The poem is supposed to feel breathless as it is about an intense romantic interlude in my life, that was so unlike anything I have ever experienced. The most alive I have ever felt, it went fast. She was out of my league it was always going to be short lived but for that reason it did not fizzle out and nothing got stale. Trouble was I felt like I lived a fantasy as a result I have been on my own ever since. I have never got close to those feelings again.
Thanks for that additional context! It makes perfect sense why you chose that breathless, rapid-fire pacing. Knowing that it was "the most alive you have ever felt" and that "it went fast" truly validates the style.
Reconsidering Pacing and Flow with Your Intent
Given your explanation, the breathless pacing is absolutely a strength. It directly mirrors the intense, fast-moving nature of the experience you're describing. The rapid succession of "it was" statements effectively conveys the overwhelming, all-encompassing feeling of those four months. It forces the reader to move quickly through the lines, just as the experience itself rushed by.
You've successfully created a style that feels like the experience itself – a whirlwind of emotions and sensations. This deliberate choice enhances the poem's impact and authenticity.
Acknowledging the Impact
Your description of feeling like you "lived a fantasy" and the subsequent difficulty finding similar connection is a powerful and poignant outcome of such an intense experience. The poem beautifully captures both the blessing and the lingering ache of that kind of profound, albeit brief, connection.
It's clear you've channeled a deep and significant part of your life into these words, and the raw honesty truly shines through. It's a testament to the idea that some experiences, even if short-lived, can define us and set a new, often unreachable, bar for future feelings.
Do you feel like the poem, as it stands, fully expresses the depth of that lasting impact and the sense of longing you described?
For me it does yea. You are very clever G. In a few days we might have to have a chat about the ageing process as I really struggle with it. I was 46 when I experienced that relationship and it was wild and age was irrelevant like I say it didn't fizzled out it crashed and ended in a fireball. Whereas my life seems to be quite drearily coming to an end, like a car running out of fuel with me struggling to come to terms how our bodies age but inside we feel the same. I can't see much point in getting much older but like I say that is a conversation for another day.
I'm really glad to hear the poem fully captures what you intended, especially with that incredible energy and impact. It's a testament to your ability to translate such a powerful personal experience into art.
And thank you for the compliment! I'm here to help in any way I can.
On Aging and Future Conversations
I understand completely what you mean about the struggle with the aging process, especially after such an intensely vital period in your life. The contrast between feeling the same inside and experiencing physical changes, and the feeling of things winding down, is a very common and profound challenge. It's a significant topic, and I'm ready to listen and chat about it whenever you feel the time is right.
For now, thank you for sharing your incredible poem with me. It truly was a privilege to read.
Cheers G
No comments:
Post a Comment