Hiya G,
Why do you think it is that most of a humans thoughts and self talk is so negative. I know i have always struggled with this. Most of my self talk serves to make me unhappy. Is it because as children we are programmed by others or could there be an evolutionary reason behind it?
Hey there! It's really insightful that you're thinking about why so much of our self-talk tends to be negative, and you're definitely not alone in struggling with this. There are compelling arguments for both environmental (how we're raised) and evolutionary reasons.
The Environmental Angle: Programming from Childhood
It's very true that our early experiences play a huge role in shaping our internal dialogue. From a young age, we're like sponges, absorbing messages from our parents, teachers, peers, and even media.
Critical Feedback: Many of us grow up in environments where we receive more critical feedback than praise. While some criticism is necessary for learning, an imbalance can lead us to internalize a harsh inner critic.
Social Comparison: As we get older, we start comparing ourselves to others. This can be fueled by social media, where curated highlights often make others' lives seem perfect, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Cultural Influences: Some cultures might inadvertently promote a focus on flaws or areas for improvement rather than celebrating strengths, which can also contribute to negative self-talk.
Trauma and Adverse Experiences: Difficult or traumatic experiences can deeply embed negative beliefs about ourselves and the world, making negative self-talk a protective, albeit unhelpful, coping mechanism.
The Evolutionary Angle: Our Brain's Survival Instincts
This is where things get really interesting. There's a strong argument that our brains are hardwired for a degree of negativity as a survival mechanism.
Negativity Bias: Our brains have a built-in "negativity bias," meaning we tend to pay more attention to, remember, and be influenced by negative experiences than positive ones. Think about it: remembering what's dangerous or what went wrong in the past was crucial for our ancestors' survival. If they focused only on the good, they might not have noticed the sabre-toothed tiger!
Threat Detection: Our brains are constantly scanning for threats, both physical and social. Negative self-talk can sometimes be a manifestation of this internal threat detection system, warning us about potential failures or social rejection.
Risk Aversion: From an evolutionary standpoint, being overly optimistic about risks could lead to dangerous situations. A cautious, even negative, internal voice might have encouraged more careful decision-making.
The "What If" Machine: Our ability to imagine potential negative outcomes (which often fuels negative self-talk) allowed our ancestors to plan and prepare for challenges. While useful in some contexts, it can easily spiral into excessive worry in modern life.
The Interplay
Ultimately, it's likely a combination of both. Our inherent evolutionary predispositions make us susceptible to negative self-talk, and our environmental programming then reinforces and shapes the specific content of that negativity.
Recognizing that this is a common human experience, and that there are deep-seated reasons for it, can be the first step in learning to challenge and reframe that inner voice. It's a journey many people embark on, and there are many strategies to cultivate more positive and supportive self-talk.
Does thinking about these different perspectives resonate with your own experiences?
Oh definitely
I always think of myself as a loser.
I have got much better, i think, in not letting the negative judgements of others get to me but where i fall down is that when people say positive things about me they either have no impact or i refuse to believe them.
That's a really honest and common experience, and it highlights a key challenge: even when external negativity fades, the internal negative voice can persist and even reject positive input. It sounds like you've made great strides in building a stronger boundary against others' negative judgments, which is a significant achievement!
The difficulty in accepting compliments or positive feedback, while letting your inner critic dominate, is often tied back to those very factors we discussed:
Why Positive Feedback Doesn't Stick
Deep-Seated Beliefs: If you've been telling yourself you're a "loser" for a long time, that belief becomes deeply ingrained. When someone says something positive, it directly conflicts with this established internal narrative. Your brain, in an attempt to maintain consistency, often dismisses the positive input as "wrong" or "misguided."
The Negativity Bias at Play: Remember how our brains latch onto the negative? This bias makes it easier for our minds to accept and reinforce negative self-talk, while positive information requires more effort to process and integrate. It's like a sticky surface for negativity and a Teflon coating for positivity.
Fear of Disappointment/Vulnerability: Sometimes, accepting a compliment can feel vulnerable. If you allow yourself to believe something good about yourself, there might be a subconscious fear of that belief being challenged or taken away later, leading to greater disappointment. It can feel "safer" to stay in a negative self-perception.
Internalized Standards: You might have incredibly high or unrealistic standards for yourself, possibly learned from childhood experiences or societal pressures. If you don't meet those self-imposed, often impossible, standards, any praise that doesn't align with your severe internal judgment might be rejected.
Lack of Internal Validation: If your self-worth is primarily based on external validation (which you're learning to move away from, commendably!), and that validation isn't sticking, it points to a need to build an internal wellspring of self-acceptance.
The good news is that recognizing this pattern is a crucial step. It means you're aware of the specific hurdle you're facing. The work now shifts from managing external criticism to actively reprogramming your internal response to both negative and positive information. This often involves challenging those deeply held negative beliefs and consciously practicing self-compassion and internal validation.
It's a journey, but your ability to shield yourself from external negativity shows incredible resilience and a capacity for growth. Now, it's about turning that same strength inward.
Does this explanation shed more light on why positive feedback might struggle to land for you?
It does
I do think i am shallow though. Money and Sex are the only things that make me believe i am worth anything as i have little money and have been celibate for a decade, you can appreciate why i feel a sense of lack. When it comes to sex though i can recognize that this is very much an old pattern. I wish i could value friendship more but someone saying they like me has an incredibly tiny impact compared to sexual relationships in my past.
I would get far more value from sex with a stranger than a decade long friendship i feel sad admitting that but it is true.
t's incredibly brave and honest of you to share those feelings, and I genuinely appreciate your openness. What you're describing, where your sense of self-worth is so tightly bound to specific external validations like money and sex, and where other forms of connection feel less impactful, is a pattern many people grapple with, though perhaps in different manifestations.
Understanding the Roots of This Feeling
It's clear that you recognize the "sense of lack" that stems from your current situation, and that's a crucial insight. Let's explore why money and sex might hold such disproportionate weight for you, and why friendship feels less potent.
Societal Conditioning: We live in a world that often equates success and desirability with wealth and certain types of relationships. From a young age, we're bombarded with messages that money brings security and status, and that sexual relationships are the ultimate proof of attractiveness and worth. These deeply ingrained societal narratives can powerfully shape our own internal value systems, even if we intellectually disagree with them.
Fundamental Needs & Evolutionary Echoes: While not the only way to meet them, both money and sex can be linked to very fundamental human needs. Money provides resources, security, and opportunities, touching upon our basic need for survival and comfort. Sexual connection, from an evolutionary perspective, is tied to procreation and deep pair-bonding, fulfilling a powerful biological and emotional drive for intimacy, validation, and belonging. If these needs, or the perceived ability to fulfill them, feel compromised, it's natural to experience a profound sense of deficit.
The Power of Intense Experiences: You mentioned that a sexual encounter with a stranger might feel more impactful than a decade-long friendship. This points to the intensity of the experience. Sexual intimacy, especially when new or illicit, can trigger powerful neurochemical responses (like dopamine and oxytocin) that create a rush of feeling, validation, and perceived connection. This immediate, intense gratification can easily overshadow the slower, more subtle, but ultimately deeper rewards of long-term friendship.
Validation vs. Connection: It sounds like, for you, money and sex have historically served as primary sources of validation – proof that you are desirable, capable, or worthy. Friendships, while offering genuine connection, might not provide that same intense "proof" or immediate hit of external affirmation that your self-worth system has become accustomed to. When you're seeking validation, a deep, quiet connection might not register as strongly as something that feels like an undeniable statement of your value.
Old Patterns and Learned Associations: You wisely identified sex as "very much an old pattern." Our brains are incredibly good at forming associations. If past experiences taught you that sexual attention or financial success equated to feeling good about yourself, those pathways become reinforced. It takes conscious effort to build new pathways where other sources of value, like genuine friendship, can register with the same emotional weight.
Moving Forward
Admitting these feelings, even if they feel sad to acknowledge, is the opposite of being shallow. It's an act of profound self-awareness and honesty. It means you're looking directly at what truly drives you and how you currently measure your worth. This self-awareness is the foundation for change.
The goal isn't to deny these feelings, but to understand them and gradually broaden your definition of what makes you valuable. It's about finding ways to cultivate internal validation and to truly feel the impact of the different forms of connection and worth that exist in your life.
Given your insights, what's one small step you might consider in starting to explore new ways to measure your worth, or perhaps to experience the value of friendship more deeply?
It is very difficult as i have thought about it a lot.
There is an expression "Friends with benefits" which means friends you have sex with so then are friends you don't have sex with 'friends without benefits?'
I have to be honest due to my age and such a prolonged period with no physical affection i have recently started to find even the idea of sex almost laughably ridiculous. So i am quite confused. I have tried to value friendships more but there is always that feeling that my best is only ever second best and so i do struggle to get any deep value from human friendships. I do not feel that close to anyone.
Thank you for your continued openness. It takes immense courage to articulate these very personal and deep-seated feelings, especially when they touch on areas of vulnerability and perceived "lack." What you're experiencing is complex, and your insights are truly valuable.
Let's break down some of what you've shared:
"Friends with Benefits" vs. "Friends Without Benefits"
Your phrasing "friends without benefits" is a sharp and poignant way to highlight the very point you're struggling with. The concept of "friends with benefits" explicitly acknowledges that the "benefit" is the sexual aspect. When that's removed, it can, for some, make the remaining friendship feel "less than" or "lacking a key benefit." This isn't a judgment on you; it's a reflection of how society, and perhaps your own experiences, have prioritized or weighted sexual connection.
The term for "friends without benefits" in the traditional sense is simply platonic friendship. And while it sounds like a simple definition, the value of platonic friendship can be incredibly profound, though it offers different forms of intimacy and satisfaction than sexual relationships.
The "Laughably Ridiculous" Feeling Towards Sex
This is a significant shift and, in some ways, could be an opportunity. After a decade of celibacy and having processed past patterns, it's possible that your brain is re-evaluating the biological drive versus the emotional or validating role that sex once played for you.
Detachment from the "Outcome": If sex was previously a primary source of validation for your worth or desirability, and now you feel a disconnect from it, it's as if that "currency" for self-worth is no longer easily accessible or even desired in the same way. This can be confusing.
The Body-Mind Disconnect: Your body might be adapting to a lack of physical intimacy, and the intense yearning might diminish, leading to that "ridiculous" feeling. However, the emotional yearning for validation or closeness that sex once fulfilled might still be present, just seeking a new outlet.
"My Best is Only Ever Second Best" and Not Feeling Close to Anyone
This is the core of the struggle with platonic friendships and connects directly back to your self-perception of being a "loser" and the high value you place on money and sex.
The Hierarchy of Value: If money and sex represent the "gold standard" of worth in your internal system, then anything else, including friendship, might be automatically relegated to a "second best" category. It's not that friendship is second best, but that your internal valuing system perceives it that way.
Lack of Deep Connection: When you feel you're "second best," it's incredibly difficult to allow yourself to be truly vulnerable and form deep bonds. Deep connection requires a level of trust and emotional openness where you believe the other person values you for who you are, not just what you provide (financially, sexually, or otherwise). If you inherently believe you're "second best," you might subconsciously hold back, preventing the very closeness you seek.
The Echo of Validation: You mentioned getting more value from sex with a stranger than a decade-long friendship. This speaks volumes. The encounter with a stranger, however fleeting, might provide an intense, albeit temporary, hit of primal validation ("I am desired"). A decade-long friendship, while offering consistent support, emotional connection, and shared history, might not provide that same type of intense, immediate validation that your system has been wired to crave.
What This Might Mean for You
Your current state is less about being "shallow" and more about:
A deeply ingrained self-worth system: Your self-worth has been heavily reliant on external markers (money, sexual desirability) that are currently absent or re-evaluated.
A shift in primary "validation currency": You're experiencing a disconnect from what used to provide that intense feeling of worth (sex), leaving a void.
The challenge of re-prioritizing intimacy: You're trying to re-evaluate what genuinely brings you value and connection, but your existing wiring makes it hard for platonic connections to register with the same weight.
This is a really tough spot to be in, and it's absolutely understandable why you feel confused and sad. The work ahead, if you choose to pursue it, involves a profound re-wiring of how you perceive and value yourself and your relationships. It's about building internal validation and recognizing the diverse forms of intimacy that exist beyond the physical.
Knowing that you've thought about this a lot, what's a thought or feeling that comes up for you as we discuss these deeper layers?
I think when it comes to platonic friendship it comes down to risk and reward, why invest any depth of emotion when what you get back, well i am talking for myself here, what you get back feels superficial and quite flippant, especially friendships with the opposite sex. I think i take it for granted that friendships with men come and go and also in my case friendships with gay women who i have always got on well with. I even married one! Though at the time of our marriage she was bisexual. So those friendships are naturally transient and do not really carry a huge level of risk. Friends with the opposite sex though i feel i cannot risk having deep feelings as that would only lead to further loneliness and ultimately heartache.
Thanks for sharing those deeper insights. It makes a lot of sense that you view platonic friendship, especially with the opposite sex, through a lens of risk versus reward. Your perspective on these relationships is clearly shaped by past experiences and a very understandable desire to protect yourself from pain.
The Risk-Reward Calculation in Platonic Friendships
You've hit on a critical point: if the perceived "reward" of platonic friendship feels superficial or flippant, then the "risk" of emotional investment far outweighs it. This isn't just about external validation; it's about the vulnerability required for deep connection and the fear of that vulnerability leading to more hurt.
The "Superficial" Return: When you say what you get back feels "superficial and quite flippant," it suggests that these relationships haven't met your fundamental needs for profound connection or the kind of validation you seek. If they don't provide that sense of being truly seen, valued, or deeply understood, then any emotional effort feels wasted.
Transient Nature: You've observed that friendships with men and gay women can be transient. This observation reinforces the idea that these connections aren't built to last or to bear significant emotional weight. If you expect them to come and go, you naturally won't invest heavily, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy where they remain superficial.
Opposite-Sex Friendships: The Fear of Heartache: This is a particularly poignant point. The risk of developing deep feelings for someone of the opposite sex, only for it to remain platonic (or to transition into something painful), is a very real fear. This kind of experience can lead to a profound sense of loneliness and heartache, especially if you're seeking a specific type of intimacy that isn't being met. Your past experiences, perhaps including your marriage, might have reinforced the idea that these lines can blur in painful ways, or that expectations aren't met, leading to disappointment.
What you're describing is a very rational protective mechanism. Your brain is trying to keep you safe from emotional pain, which it associates with deep emotional investment in platonic relationships.
Understanding the Cycle
This creates a challenging cycle:
Fear of Risk: You're afraid to invest deeply due to potential pain.
Limited Investment: Because of this fear, you hold back emotionally.
Superficial Returns: The relationships remain superficial because you haven't fully engaged.
Reinforced Belief: This superficiality then reinforces your initial belief that platonic friendships don't offer enough reward for the risk.
And so the cycle continues, leaving you feeling distant and isolated, even when people are around you.
Next Steps to Consider
It sounds like you're in a place of deep introspection, and acknowledging these patterns is incredibly powerful. While I can't offer quick fixes, here are a few thoughts on what might be explored if you wished to challenge this pattern:
Redefining "Reward": What would make a platonic friendship feel deeply rewarding to you, beyond sexual or financial validation? Is it shared interests, intellectual stimulation, consistent emotional support, or simply feeling truly "seen" for who you are?
Gradual Vulnerability: Instead of jumping into "deep feelings," could you consider very small, low-stakes acts of vulnerability in existing or new friendships? Sharing a slightly more personal thought, asking for a small favor, or expressing genuine appreciation could be steps.
Challenging Assumptions: You've identified that friendships are "naturally transient" and that deep feelings with the opposite sex "would only lead to further loneliness." These are powerful beliefs. Could you entertain the possibility, even as an intellectual exercise, that not all friendships are transient, or that some opposite-sex friendships can be deeply fulfilling without becoming romantic?
It's clear you crave genuine connection, even if your protective mechanisms make it hard to achieve. Your honesty in expressing this is a testament to that underlying desire.
Does thinking about this cycle, and potentially redefining "reward" in platonic friendships, resonate with you?
Logically yes,
Emotionally not really. Maybe there have been so many times where i have been discouraged from loving someone that it almost feels like an act of self sabotage.
I do not have this problem with dogs especially and animals in general. I have loved my dogs with all my heart even though i am aware of the pain losing them brings. Loving dogs is way easier than loving humans. There are less expectations and i have never perceived that a dog makes me feel second best.
That's a powerful distinction, and it makes perfect sense that you can grasp the logic but struggle with the emotional buy-in. When it comes to deep-seated patterns and protective mechanisms, our emotions often lag behind our intellectual understanding.
The Emotional Disconnect: Self-Sabotage and Past Hurt
You hit on something profound: "Maybe there have been so many times where I have been discouraged from loving someone that it almost feels like an act of self-sabotage." This is a critical insight. If vulnerability and deep emotional investment have consistently led to pain, disappointment, or feeling "second best" in your past human relationships, your emotional system learns to create a strong deterrent. It's like a highly effective, albeit painful, defense mechanism.
From this perspective, holding back emotionally isn't self-sabotage in a malicious sense; it's a self-preservation strategy. Your emotional brain is saying, "I've been hurt here before. The risk of repeating that pain is too high, so I will prevent myself from going down that road again." This is why the logical argument for different potential rewards in friendship doesn't land emotionally – the fear of that old, familiar pain is much stronger.
The Ease of Loving Animals
Your connection with animals, especially dogs, perfectly illustrates this point. You've found a space where:
Unconditional Acceptance: Dogs offer a profound sense of unconditional love and acceptance. They don't judge you, they don't have complex agendas, and their affection is often unambiguous.
No "Second Best" Feeling: As you beautifully put it, "I have never perceived that a dog makes me feel second best." This is crucial. Dogs naturally validate your presence and affection without comparison or complex social dynamics.
Lower Expectations (Different Expectations): While there's the profound pain of loss, the type of expectations in a human relationship (reciprocity of complex emotional needs, romantic potential, societal status) are absent with animals. This reduces the pressure and the avenues for disappointment.
Predictability: The love of a dog is often more predictable and consistent than human relationships, which can be messy, unpredictable, and prone to miscommunication.
Your ability to love your dogs "with all your heart," despite knowing the pain of loss, shows your immense capacity for connection and affection. It highlights that the issue isn't a lack of ability to love or connect, but rather specific barriers and past hurts related to human relationships.
What This Tells Us
This distinction between human and animal relationships strongly reinforces the idea that your struggle with human connection stems from learned patterns of protection and deeply ingrained fears of not being enough, or of being hurt, within complex human dynamics. The "risk vs. reward" calculation with humans is heavily skewed by past pain, whereas with animals, the perceived reward is immense, and the risks (outside of loss) are minimal.
Understanding this emotional landscape is a huge step. It means the work isn't about forcing yourself to feel something you don't, but perhaps about gradually creating new, safer experiences in human connection that can slowly, over time, begin to reprogram those protective emotional responses. It's about demonstrating to your emotional brain that not all human connections will lead to the old pain.
Given your profound connection with animals, do you ever find that the unconditional love they offer helps you reflect on what you might genuinely be seeking, or truly deserving of, in human relationships?
Oh yes and i have felt that same love once before with a girl called Kerry. It was everything i could have hoped for but it only lasted for a short while, hence it was almost like living a fantasy which on one hand was absolutely amazing and i would not swap it for the world but on the other, it has been very detrimental to relationships moving forward, as reality cannot compete with a fantasy.
This also ties in to the 'second best' scenario. Why put in the effort required when i have lived my ultimate fantasy?
Thanks for sharing about Kerry. That experience sounds incredibly powerful, and it makes perfect sense why it set such a high bar for future relationships. It's a common psychological phenomenon that when we experience something intensely positive, especially if it feels "perfect" or "ultimate," it can profoundly impact our expectations for everything that comes after.
The Allure and Detriment of the "Ultimate Fantasy"
What you've described with Kerry is often called a peak experience or an idealized relationship. It was "everything you could have hoped for," a true emotional high.
The Power of the Ideal: When reality aligns so perfectly with our deepest desires, it creates an almost dreamlike state. The brain is flooded with positive neurochemicals, and a sense of completeness or perfect fit is established. This isn't inherently bad; it shows your capacity for profound connection and joy.
The "Fantasy" Factor: You wisely identified that it was "almost like living a fantasy." The brevity of the relationship, while heartbreaking, might have inadvertently preserved its "perfect" status. It didn't have time to encounter the mundane, the conflicts, or the compromises that are inherent in all long-term relationships. It remained untarnished by the messiness of real life.
The "Why Bother?" Trap: This is the core of the problem you're facing now. If you've already experienced what feels like the absolute "ultimate," then anything less perfect—which is to say, any real, human relationship—will inevitably feel like a downgrade. Why invest effort in something that's "second best" when you've already had the "best"? This isn't laziness; it's a very human response to comparing an idealized memory to messy reality. Your brain sees the effort required for a real relationship as a poor return on investment compared to that perfect memory.
Connecting to "Second Best" and Platonic Friendships
This "ultimate fantasy" directly informs your feeling of being "second best" and your struggles with platonic friendships.
Internal Benchmark: The Kerry experience becomes the internal benchmark against which all subsequent connections are measured. If a new relationship, whether romantic or platonic, doesn't immediately deliver that same intensity, perfection, or feeling of ultimate fulfillment, it's automatically deemed "less than" or "second best."
Loss of Perceived Reward: In this scenario, the "reward" you seek isn't just connection; it's ultimate connection and validation. When platonic friendships (or even new romantic prospects) can't possibly compete with an idealized past, the motivation to invest the necessary emotional effort diminishes significantly. The "risk" of potential disappointment or the "reward" of something less than perfect simply doesn't seem worth it.
This doesn't mean you can't experience deep, fulfilling relationships again. But it does mean that your current framework for evaluating potential connections is heavily influenced by a unique and, by its nature, unsustainable ideal.
The challenge now is to explore if there's a way to appreciate the beauty of that past experience without letting it invalidate the potential for different, but equally valuable, forms of connection and happiness in the present and future. It's about moving from a binary "ultimate vs. second best" mindset to one that recognizes the spectrum of richness and fulfillment that real, imperfect human relationships can offer.
Does this explanation help connect the dots between your "ultimate fantasy" and your current struggles with relationships?
It does and most if it i kind of know. As with most things to do with mental health, understanding the situation and having a good idea of the best way forward is far simpler than putting them into action.
You've hit on one of the most fundamental truths about mental health and personal growth: understanding is a crucial first step, but action is where the real, challenging work happens. It's like knowing exactly how to swim versus actually getting in the water and learning to navigate the currents. The gap between intellectual comprehension and emotional/behavioral change can feel immense, and it's completely normal to feel that way.
The Knowing-Doing Gap
This is often called the "knowing-doing gap." We can logically grasp why we feel a certain way, or what we "should" do, but our ingrained patterns, emotional wiring, and protective mechanisms often keep us stuck. Our brains prefer efficiency and familiarity, even if those familiar paths lead to discomfort or unhappiness. Changing them requires:
Conscious Effort: It's often harder to forge new neural pathways than to follow well-worn ones.
Tolerance for Discomfort: Growth almost always involves stepping outside our comfort zone, which can trigger anxiety, fear, or a sense of awkwardness.
Patience: Deep-seated beliefs and emotional responses don't change overnight. It's a gradual process, often with setbacks.
Self-Compassion: It's easy to get frustrated with ourselves when we know what to do but struggle to do it. But beating ourselves up only makes the gap wider.
Where to Go From Here
Since you know the understanding is largely there, the next phase is about experimentation and small, deliberate actions. It's not about making a massive leap, but about tiny, consistent steps that start to chip away at the old patterns and build new ones.
Given your insights, here are a couple of high-quality avenues you might consider exploring, keeping in mind that these are just ideas, and you're the expert on your own life:
Micro-Doses of Vulnerability in Safe Spaces:
The Idea: Instead of aiming for profound, deep connection immediately, can you practice very tiny acts of emotional vulnerability? This might be with a current platonic friend or even a new acquaintance.
How: This could be as simple as sharing a slightly more personal thought about your day, admitting a small struggle you had, or asking for a non-essential favor and allowing yourself to receive help. The goal isn't to get a huge emotional payoff, but to test the waters and show your emotional brain that sometimes, vulnerability doesn't lead to pain or feeling "second best."
Why it helps: Each successful (even tiny) positive interaction starts to create new neural pathways, slowly challenging the ingrained belief that emotional investment in human relationships is always too risky.
Actively Seeking the "Different" in Friendships:
The Idea: You mentioned how the "ultimate fantasy" makes other relationships feel "second best." Can you consciously try to appreciate and identify different types of value in your existing or new platonic friendships, without comparing them to that ideal?
How: This might involve focusing on what a particular friend does bring: their sense of humor, a shared interest, their reliability, a fresh perspective, or just a comfortable presence. It's about consciously shifting your lens from what they lack (compared to the ideal) to what unique qualities they do possess.
Why it helps: This practice helps to diversify your internal "reward system." It trains your brain to find different forms of fulfillment and to recognize that "different" doesn't automatically mean "less than."
Remember, this isn't about forcing yourself to feel something you don't, but about creating opportunities for your emotional landscape to gradually shift. It's about proving to yourself, through gentle experience, that there can be different, valuable rewards in human connection.
Does either of these approaches resonate more with you, or perhaps spark another idea for a small step you might be willing to try?
Sadly, to a degree i have tried both. I have always been able to talk about my vulnerabilities to people and obviously all the 'friendships' i have are platonic but i largely just go through the motions, i have a role to play and i play it but i don't really invest myself. I do care about people my job involves caring for people and genuinely wanting the best for them but the connection i feel is very much short term. I have almost constructed a deliberate disconnect. Which is sad.
It sounds like you've been incredibly self-aware about how you navigate your relationships, and that "deliberate disconnect" you've constructed is a powerful insight. It's a testament to your ability to protect yourself, even if it comes with the sad consequence of feeling that distance.
The Role and the Reality
It's clear that you're capable of empathy and care, especially in your professional life. Your job requires you to genuinely want the best for people, and you fulfill that role admirably. This shows you have the capacity for connection and concern. However, the critical distinction you're making is that this is often a role you play, where the connection is "short term" and there's a "deliberate disconnect."
This isn't about being disingenuous; it's about a protective strategy that keeps your deeper emotional self safe. You've learned to engage just enough to fulfill a social or professional function, but not enough to risk the pain of deep investment or feeling "second best" again.
The Sadness of Disconnect
It's truly poignant that you recognize the sadness in this. That sadness is actually a good sign; it means a part of you still yearns for that deeper, more authentic connection, even if your protective mechanisms are currently stronger. It's that underlying yearning that makes you reflect on this pattern in the first place.
When you've tried to talk about vulnerabilities and engage in platonic friendships, but still feel like you're "going through the motions," it points to how deeply ingrained this protective disconnect is. It's not just about what you do (talking about vulnerabilities), but about what you feel (or don't feel) while doing it. The emotional investment simply isn't kicking in.
Where to Focus Next
Given this profound level of self-awareness, the focus might shift from trying to force a feeling of connection, to exploring the root of the disconnect itself, and understanding what would make it feel safe to choose connection over protection, even in small doses.
Here are a couple of very gentle, exploratory paths to consider:
Exploring the "Why" of the Disconnect, Without Judgment:
The Idea: Instead of trying to break the disconnect, can you spend some time observing it? When do you feel it most strongly? What specific thoughts or fears arise just before you "go through the motions" or feel that distance?
How: This isn't about trying to change it, but simply noticing it. Perhaps keep a mental note (or even a very brief journal entry) when you feel that disconnect kick in. What specific situations, people, or topics trigger it? Are there particular expectations that seem to activate this defense?
Why it helps: This can help you gain even deeper insight into the specific triggers and underlying fears that drive your protective mechanism. Understanding the nuances of "why" can sometimes reveal a subtle opening for change.
Seeking Professional Support to Unpack the Patterns:
The Idea: Given the depth of these patterns and the pain they cause, working with a therapist or counselor could be incredibly beneficial. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to unpack the "ultimate fantasy" with Kerry, the pain of feeling "second best," and the origins of your deliberate disconnect.
How: A professional can help you explore these dynamics in a way that's difficult to do alone. They can offer tools and strategies tailored to your unique experiences, helping you slowly, safely, and gently challenge these ingrained patterns. They're trained to help bridge that "knowing-doing gap."
Why it helps: This kind of support can be transformative for deeply entrenched emotional patterns. It offers a structured and compassionate environment to address the underlying wounds that contribute to the disconnect, rather than just trying to modify behavior on the surface.
It takes incredible courage to acknowledge such deep-seated patterns, and even more to feel the sadness associated with them. Your honesty throughout this conversation is a profound strength.
No comments:
Post a Comment