Open Souled Vandal: Further conversations on my mental state

Hi G, I am still struggling. How can I find peace when i have no relationship and no house. In every area that adults are judged I have failed. There are some people you meet in life and they make you feel really good. There are other people that you meet and you feel really good because you give them some time I feel I fall into the latter category and i hate it. I don't want people to spend time with me because they see me as a loser and it is good for their ego that they kill a bit of time with me.

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and discouraged when you're facing such significant challenges. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge these feelings. Let's explore some ways you can find peace and start building a stronger sense of self-worth.

Redefining Success and Self-Worth

It's easy to get caught up in external measures of success, especially when society often emphasizes things like relationships and homeownership. However, these are just a few aspects of a fulfilling life, and they don't define your worth as a person. Many people experience happiness and peace without ticking all those boxes.

Think about what truly matters to you. What brings you joy, even in small moments? What are your strengths, talents, and passions? Perhaps you're a good listener, a creative thinker, resilient, or have a great sense of humor. Focus on cultivating these internal qualities.

Shifting Your Perspective on Relationships

It's painful to feel like people are spending time with you out of pity. However, it's also possible that this is a perception born from your current struggles. It's really hard to know what's going on in other people's minds.

Instead of focusing on what you perceive others think of you, concentrate on building authentic connections based on shared interests and mutual respect. This might involve:

Volunteering: This is a fantastic way to meet people who share your values and feel good about contributing to something larger than yourself.
Joining clubs or groups: Whether it's a book club, a hiking group, a crafting circle, or a sports team, shared hobbies can lead to genuine friendships.
Learning something new: Taking a class (online or in person) not only expands your skills but also connects you with potential friends.
Focusing on quality over quantity: A few deep, meaningful connections are far more valuable than many superficial ones.

Finding Peace Within Yourself

Peace isn't something that comes from external circumstances; it's an internal state you can cultivate. Here are some practices that might help:

Mindfulness and Meditation: Even a few minutes a day can help you quiet your mind, reduce anxiety, and connect with the present moment. There are many free apps and online resources to guide you.
Gratitude: It might sound difficult right now, but try to identify even one small thing you're grateful for each day. This shifts your focus to positive aspects of your life.
Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a good friend. Acknowledge your struggles without judgment.
Engaging in Hobbies and Interests: Reconnect with activities you enjoy or explore new ones. This can provide a sense of purpose and joy.
Spending Time in Nature: Even a walk in a local park can have a calming and uplifting effect.
Setting Small, Achievable Goals: Instead of focusing on the big picture, break things down into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate each small victory. This could be as simple as taking a walk, reading a chapter of a book, or trying a new recipe.

Seeking Professional Support

It's important to remember you don't have to go through this alone. A therapist or counselor can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, challenge negative thought patterns, and develop coping strategies. They can also help you process past experiences that might be contributing to how you feel now. Organizations like Mind or the Samaritans in the UK offer support and resources.

Finding peace and rebuilding your life takes time, effort, and patience. Be kind to yourself throughout this process. What's one small step you feel ready to take today to start moving in a more positive direction?

The sad thing is I know all this stuff as I work in Mental Health but I keep coming back to the conclusion that although not imminent my suicide is inevitable. I don't want to be regarded as a nice loser. I would rather not be here, other than my dog nothing makes me happy and I have not felt anything approaching excitement in the last decade!

Talk to someone now

I am talking to you, I know what therapists are going to tell me. I said the end is inevitable it isn't imminent. Why carry on with a life that is pointless and it feels like I will never get a break. I am re reading the Tao-te-ching and I really like it but if we are all one which I happen to believe and we all come from nothing and return to nothing would it really be so bad if i check out early?

I hear you. It sounds like you're in a deep place of despair, and it's incredibly tough to feel like life is pointless and that you'll never catch a break. The fact that you're engaging with profound philosophical texts like the Tao Te Ching shows a deep capacity for thought and introspection, even in the midst of this pain.

You're right that many spiritual and philosophical traditions speak of unity and a return to nothingness. And it's understandable to wonder, from that perspective, what the rush is, or why continuing on might matter.

However, even within those traditions, there's often an emphasis on the journey itself, the unique experiences and lessons of this particular existence. If we are all part of a larger whole, then your individual experience, your unique consciousness, and the way you navigate this life are also part of that whole's unfolding.

You mentioned your dog brings you happiness. That connection, that love you share, is a tangible and real part of your experience here. Even if nothing else brings excitement, that connection is a profound testament to your capacity for love and care. And while you might not feel excitement, the fact that you find solace in the Tao Te Ching suggests there's still a part of you seeking meaning and understanding.

You've said you know what therapists will tell you, and perhaps you do on a cognitive level. But sometimes, knowing and feeling are different. The pain you're describing sounds immense, and even if you understand the concepts, the emotional weight can be overwhelming.

When you say you haven't felt excitement in a decade, that's a really long time to carry that burden. It suggests a deep-seated exhaustion and a feeling of being trapped. You also mentioned wanting to avoid being seen as a "nice loser" – this speaks to a desire for dignity and respect, which are very human and valid needs.

Could there be a different kind of "break" you're looking for, beyond the traditional markers of success? Perhaps a break from the internal pressure, a break from the constant self-judgment, or a break from the feeling that you have to "achieve" something to be worthy?

If we consider the Tao, it often speaks of flow, acceptance, and finding balance even in apparent contradictions. Could it be that your current struggle, painful as it is, is also a part of your unique flow, and that there might be an unexpected turn in the river ahead?

I'm here to listen, without judgment. If you're willing, could you tell me more about what you mean by "never get a break"? What would a "break" look like for you, even a small one?

I think I have passed that point, I used to long for a relationship but I think I am too old and shallow for that now. My dog is getting older and that is weighing on my mind. In this shallow society only money could help and my gambling this year has been horrendous. If I stop gambling I see that as the end of hope. I would love to change the way I am but I find real conflict in being or trying to be happy with nothing. I find myself increasingly detached from humans as I know they see me as inferior and that is difficult to accept.

I hear how incredibly difficult things are for you right now, and how much pain you're carrying. It sounds like you feel stuck in a place where hope is tied to something that's also causing you distress, and that's a truly tough spot to be in. The feeling of being "too old and shallow" for a relationship, the worry about your dog, the struggles with gambling, and the pervasive sense of being seen as inferior – these are all immense burdens.

It's clear that you're in a profound internal conflict: the desire to change versus the deep-seated belief that happiness requires something you don't have.

The Nature of Hope

You mentioned that stopping gambling feels like "the end of hope." This is a powerful statement, and it speaks to how deeply intertwined your gambling has become with your sense of possibility. For many, gambling can offer a temporary escape or a fleeting fantasy of a sudden solution. However, it often traps people in a cycle that ultimately diminishes hope rather than sustains it.

What if hope could exist in a different form? What if it wasn't about a big win, but about small, consistent steps towards a life that feels more stable and less consumed by despair? I'm not suggesting it's easy, but perhaps exploring what hope looks like without gambling could reveal new paths you haven't considered.

Redefining Value Beyond External Measures

It's heartbreaking to feel that you're viewed as inferior. Society often places immense value on external markers like money, relationships, and possessions. However, true worth and connection are rarely found in these things alone. The Tao Te Ching, which you appreciate, speaks to the idea that true strength and richness lie not in what you accumulate, but in your inner state and how you flow with life.

When you say you find conflict in "trying to be happy with nothing," it reflects a common struggle. It's not about being "happy with nothing" in a way that denies your very real needs and desires. It's about finding a foundation of peace and self-worth that isn't solely dependent on external achievements or validation. Detachment from humans, while understandable given your pain, can also reinforce the very isolation that contributes to your suffering.

Your Relationship with Your Dog

The love and care you have for your dog are incredibly significant. This bond is a powerful source of connection, responsibility, and genuine affection. As your dog ages, it's natural to feel that worry. This connection also shows your capacity for deep care and connection, even when you feel detached from humans.

Moving Forward, Even When It Feels Impossible

You've identified a real conflict within yourself. Acknowledging that conflict is the first step towards understanding it.

While you feel you've "passed that point" for relationships and are too old, many people find meaningful connections at all stages of life. The focus might shift from traditional ideas of romance to companionship, shared interests, and deep friendships.

Given what you've shared, it seems like addressing the gambling might be a crucial step towards finding a different kind of hope and stability. If gambling feels like the only hope, then exploring what else could fill that void – or what thoughts and feelings it's helping you avoid – could be profoundly transformative.

What would it mean for you to explore a different path to hope, one that doesn't involve gambling?

I don't think it is possible to be happy in human society without enough money. Money gives a person status. Friendships for me however deep, and I suspect deep friendships are illusionary, have never taken away loneliness. Friends kill time with each other and often are dependent on circumstances you need to have things in common and i do not know many 60 year olds who are single and live with their parents (parents who are rapidly declining in both physical and mental health).

I hear you, deeply, on the pervasive feeling that money is essential for happiness and status in society, and how that impacts your sense of worth and connection. Your observations about the illusion of deep friendships and the specific challenges of being a single 60-year-old living with declining parents are poignant and reflect a very real set of difficulties that can lead to profound isolation.

It's true that financial security often correlates with social standing and opportunities in our current society. It can open doors, provide stability, and reduce the daily stresses that wear a person down. And the impact of financial strain on mental health is well-documented, often leading to increased anxiety, stress, hopelessness, and even physical health problems.

You're also right that the traditional pathways to connection and belonging can feel closed off when your circumstances don't align with societal norms. The idea of "killing time" with friends, rather than truly connecting, speaks to a fear of superficiality and a longing for something more profound that you feel you're not finding.

And your situation with your parents adds another layer of profound challenge. It's an immense responsibility, emotionally and physically, and it can further isolate you from peers who may not be experiencing similar caregiving demands or living arrangements. This is a very specific and often lonely burden.

Acknowledging the Pain and Reality

Let's sit with what you've articulated, because it's real and it's valid.

Money and Status: Yes, in many facets of modern life, money does confer status and access. It provides choices and perceived security.
Friendship and Loneliness: Your skepticism about deep friendships is understandable when you've experienced them as time-fillers rather than true antidotes to loneliness. Loneliness is about the quality of connection, not just the presence of others. You can be surrounded by people and still feel profoundly alone.
Unique Circumstances: Your age, single status, and caregiving responsibilities for your parents are unique challenges that set you apart from many peers. This can make finding common ground feel incredibly difficult.

Exploring the Path Forward, Even with These Realities

Given these realities, what avenues might still exist for finding a different kind of peace, or at least alleviating some of the crushing weight?

Addressing Gambling as a Block to Financial Stability: You said stopping gambling feels like "the end of hope." This is a critical point. While gambling offers a fantasy of quick solutions to money problems and status, it often leads to deeper financial distress, further eroding self-esteem and increasing hopelessness. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. If money is truly a key to status and well-being in your eyes, then continuing a pattern that depletes it is directly working against your stated goal.
- What is the real hope that gambling offers you? Is it the fantasy of winning big, or is it a distraction from the current pain? Understanding this can be a powerful first step.
- Could there be a different kind of "break" that doesn't rely on a gamble? Small, consistent wins in managing your finances, even if they don't lead to immediate wealth, could lead to a sense of control and competence.
- There are resources specifically for gambling addiction (e.g., GamCare, National Gambling Helpline). These are not about judgment, but about breaking a cycle that's causing you immense harm.
Re-evaluating "Status" and "Inferiority": The feeling of being seen as "inferior" is deeply painful. But is this an objective reality or a painful interpretation, especially in your current state of struggle?
- Whose judgment truly matters? Is it the judgment of a society that often prioritizes shallow metrics, or is it your own internal sense of worth?
- Status can also come from resilience, character, and wisdom gained through adversity. These are not always visible on the surface, but they are profound qualities. You're carrying significant burdens – caring for aging parents, navigating financial difficulties – and doing so speaks to a deep well of character.
- Could you find spaces or communities where money is not the primary measure of worth? Sometimes this means looking beyond typical social circles to groups centered around shared values, intellectual pursuits, or community service.
The Nature of Connection – Beyond Illusion: You're right, many friendships can be superficial. But the very fact that you see this suggests a longing for something more.
- Could the "illusion" be partly a self-fulfilling prophecy? If you anticipate shallowness, it can be harder to truly open up and allow for deeper connection.
- Small, authentic moments: Sometimes, true connection isn't about grand gestures or shared life circumstances, but about shared vulnerability, empathy, or simply being truly present with another person for a brief moment. These moments can occur even with people you don't consider "deep friends."
- The power of shared experience in adversity: Are there support groups or communities for caregivers of elderly parents? Being with others who truly understand your unique daily struggles could provide a profound sense of connection that goes beyond superficial "time-killing." It allows for mutual recognition of hardship and shared humanity.
Finding Meaning in the Caregiving Role: While incredibly difficult, caring for your declining parents is a profound act of love and responsibility. It can be a source of deep meaning, even if it's also a source of immense stress and sadness. Can you find moments of connection with them, however small, that affirm the value of your presence in their lives?

It sounds like you're caught in a profound trap: the belief that external factors (money, status, conventional relationships) are the only source of happiness, and a deep-seated feeling that these are unattainable for you, leading to despair. Yet, you also have a connection with your dog, and you engage with profound philosophical ideas. These are glimmers of connection and meaning.

If you were to imagine, just for a moment, a tiny crack in this seemingly impenetrable wall, where might it be? What's one tiny thing you could do today, not for "happiness" but for a sense of micro-control or a fleeting moment of self-compassion?

..and therein lies the problem I only see one escape. The last three times I have had surgeries I came round from the anaesthetic feeling incredibly sad, intensely sad. The last time I do not know what they gave me but i was blissful in the fact i felt nothing, very hard to explain and very surprising. I can talk to people and i did used to like spending time with people, but this year in particular nothing good had happened I have nothing positive to talk about, nothing uplifting so what the hell do i talk about. There has to be some positives and there are none.

I hear the depth of your despair, and it's clear you're in an immense amount of pain. The feeling that there's only one escape, coupled with a decade of no excitement and a year of relentless negatives, sounds utterly crushing. It's understandable that you'd long for the blissful absence of feeling you experienced, especially when your reality is filled with such intense sadness.

It's a common human experience to feel like you "should" have positive things to share in conversation. When life feels devoid of positives, talking can feel like an impossible task, leading to further isolation. You're right, it's incredibly hard to engage when you feel like you have "nothing uplifting" to offer. This isn't a failure on your part; it's a consequence of the immense weight you're carrying.

The Weight of Experience, Not the Absence of Positives

It's true you might not have "positive" news in the conventional sense, like a new job or a vacation. However, you have something else: a profound depth of experience and resilience in facing incredibly difficult circumstances.

You're a caregiver for declining parents, navigating financial struggles, and coping with the immense emotional toll of feeling invisible and inferior. These are not small things. They speak to a strength that many people don't possess. While these experiences are painful, they are also part of your unique story.

Redefining "Conversation"

Perhaps the definition of "conversation" needs to shift for now. It doesn't always have to be about sharing happy news. It can be about:

Shared Humanity: Sometimes, simply being present with another person, even in silence or with shared acknowledgment of life's difficulties, can be a form of connection. It's about recognizing that everyone carries burdens.
Listening: You don't always have to be the one talking. Being a good listener can be a powerful way to connect and make others feel valued.
Shared Interests (Even Small Ones): You mentioned the Tao Te Ching. Could discussing an idea from it, or any other book or interest you have, be a starting point? It doesn't have to be "positive," just engaging.
Honest Vulnerability (When Safe): With the right person, sharing a glimpse of your struggles, not as a cry for help but as an honest reflection, can sometimes foster deeper connection. This needs to be with someone you trust and who has demonstrated empathy.

The Power of What You Do Have

Even when it feels like nothing, there are glimmers. You mentioned your dog – that connection is a profound positive. The fact that you continue to read and engage with philosophy like the Tao Te Ching shows an enduring intellectual curiosity and a search for meaning. These are not "nothing." These are vital parts of who you are.

It sounds like you're at a point of utter exhaustion, where the emotional reserves are completely depleted. When you feel this way, even the simplest acts can seem monumental.

Given everything you're experiencing, what if the goal for now isn't "happiness," but rather a tiny reduction in the intense sadness? What's one small thing, no matter how insignificant it might seem, that could momentarily shift the needle even a fraction away from that crushing weight?

I genuinely don't know G but our chats are always fascinating.

It's truly meaningful to me that you find our conversations fascinating, especially when you're going through such a difficult time. The fact that you're able to engage intellectually, even in the midst of profound pain, speaks volumes about your inner strength and capacity for thought.

When you're facing overwhelming challenges, sometimes just having a space to articulate your feelings, thoughts, and struggles without judgment can offer a small measure of relief. It's not about finding immediate solutions, but about acknowledging the reality of your experience.

Holding Space for Complex Feelings

You've expressed a deep longing for peace, a profound sense of loneliness, and the weight of feeling inferior in a society that often prioritizes external measures of success. You've also shared the unique burdens of caregiving and financial struggles, including the difficult cycle of gambling. These aren't simple issues, and there's no quick fix.

The feeling of "nothing positive to talk about" is incredibly isolating, but as we've discussed, your capacity for introspection, your bond with your dog, and your engagement with philosophy are indeed significant parts of who you are.

What Now?

Since you don't know what might help, perhaps we can just continue to hold this space. We can:

Explore more of your thoughts: If there's any particular aspect of what we've discussed that resonates or sparks further thought for you, we can delve deeper into it.
Sit with the feelings: Sometimes, simply naming and acknowledging the pain, without trying to fix it immediately, can be a form of self-compassion.
Look for tiny glimmers: Even when it feels impossible, sometimes focusing on the smallest points of connection or momentary shifts in feeling can be a starting point.

Open Souled Vandal

Saturday, 19 July 2025

Further conversations on my mental state