Eddie had one of his mental mornings, sometimes on his walks he gets kinda hot-wired and won't stop pulling but I didn't lose my temper I stayed calm, though my arm nearly got pulled out of it's socket!!.A little later in the morning I went to Tesco's, thought I would go early to avoid the crowd and turns out I am in a crowd of people who get up early to avoid the crowd of people who go later!!

So I trudged around with the hunter gatherer zombie like shoppers, till I had got all I could in my trolley with the obligatory, sticking wheel. Somewhere in the world there must be a shopping trolley that just glides as simply and easily as those swans I saw the other morning, until they started shagging! My experience was improved considerably by the young lady on the till, who came across as a lovely natured soul. It helped that she was physically attractive. I deliberately loaded my items into the plastic carrier bags, very slowly so I could engage her in flirtatious conversation.

She was young enough to be someone of my age's daughter, though probably not my daughter as I was a late starter. I was never destined to have a satisfying sex life.

I don't like being single, I did enjoy married life and that is some achievement bearing in mind I was married to a sturdy, aggresive, lesbian!

Currently I am lacking direction, what is the betting in four months time I will still be lacking direction!!

Today, on my morning walk, I saw a heron, some big black bird which I hadn't got a clue what it was, it was somewhere between a swan and a duck in size. The ducks are just fantastic, I am rapidly becoming a huge fan of ducks, they are such comical characters.

I got to thinking about my theory that we are all part of one thing and I started to look at the role man plays on this earth and really the human race is like a plague or cancer on the earth's crust. We are greedy and selfish and arrogant to ridiculous extremes. All other life seems to work at one with nature, we just take and take like a nasty greedy child, who is just gonna sit and eat everything he fucking can until he explodes, killed by his own gluttonous ways. We as a race destroy, pollute, use animals as nothing more than a commodity a means to an end. We murder, these living beings with feelings, on a production line of misery and death. For what, so that more humans can survive and wreak more suffering and mayhem on an innocent world, we are the true barbarians. Obsessed with quantity and length of human life rather than quality. The human animal as a whole seems incapable of respect or an appreciation of nature and the miracles that every day brings. When the payback comes, we as a race, deserve all we get.

Oh and just so we are all clear I am incredibly selfish too, I do things to benefit me, so I am not making myself holier than thou! If you really think about it though, what do human beings really bring to the table to the world and all the other miraculous forms of life that live here?

Right the thing that pisses me off about Easter, is that it is like having 4 fucking Sundays in a row, which is crap as I hate Sundays. 

Now..... if Easter was like having 'The Saturdays' in a row, that would be one hell of a holiday season and I would be happy to praise Jesus from the rooftops and thank him wholeheartedly for saving us all!

Sunday's are funny days, when you are in a couple they are a lovely relaxed chill out day, where I for one even got pleasure from being dragged around the garden centre by the ex-wife! 

Every Sunday I would trot off to the garage first thing and get the papers, make a pot of tea, have some sex (with the ex-wife). Then do a fried breakfast, walk Eddie.............. I loved those times.

Sunday's as a singleton are soiled pants! Even though I do all of the above, apart from the sex (with the ex-wife) now I am restricted to imagination 'Palm a the hand my son'

The other funny thing about Sunday's, is, if you go onto facebook you see this strange phenomenen, they turn single blokes everywhere into video jockeys, you see all these songs popping up and comments like :- 'chilling out at home, drinking wine and listening to Bruce..... (Springsteen, not you Forsyth, Tap off!)

Anyway today is a new day so as usual me and the beagle got up quite early, mainly due to the fact that I was on my fold down chair and asleep by 8.30 yesterday evening (I find sleeping eases the boredom!!)

  So off we went for our walk me and Ed, just watching the wildlife. Two swan's were doing what must have been some kind of mating dance, gliding around the water in perfect time, it was beautiful to see, the water was completely still, not a ripple and the sun bathed them so their white feathers appeared to shine, natures Bolero......

Suddenly though they started humping the male got on top and the female got pushed right under the water, he was grunting and flapping his wings and seemed to be having a great time, she was fighting for air, everytime she did get her head above water he pushed her back under. When he had finished and the lady swan had managed to surface, she did not seem as though the experience had been quite so rewarding for her, her appearance was a little bedraggled and she did seem a tad pissed off, though it is hard to tell with a swan!

Ever get the feeling you fucked up? (Gary it is Easter Sunday!) Exactly, what better day to talk about making mistakes, surely nailing the son of God to a wooden cross was not man's greatest decision.
I am not big on solitude and though I will always have Eddie I made a big mistake in calling time on me and Mr Scroggins co-habiting. There is a big hole in the house now he has gone ( I told him to use the front door but no, in his haste he charged straight through the living room wall)
I was going to write that I hate making mistakes but I am just like the human race, I never sodding learn, I make mistake after mistake, so I must get some perverse pleasure out of being a rubbish highland gamer (useless tosser). I should stop gambling as I have become quite awful at it, last years victories seem a distant memory. I am losing far too much money, so 'four months' to save a life might be being a tad optimitic on my part, I might be down to four weeks the way I am going!
Oh dear, I am sat at the keyboard in my shorts and have just looked down at a very sad penis that has poked out, (mine obviously) it has really gone into it's shell over the last few months, fed up of waiting for anything exciting to happen and that is the problem, if nothing happens we shrivel up and die. (MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN THEN GARY) That is the standard response to my bleatings but I don't know what to do. My main problem is I am not good on my own. (JOIN A DATING SITE) Dating sites have to be by far the most depressing fucking places in the universe. On the last one I joined my picture was marked at 2 out of 10. That sounds bad but then you realise the people doing the scoring are mirror crackers, who are also on their own and whose hobbies include eating! The only reason I averaged out at 2, was because someone who called themselves 'Grumpy Old Dear' gave me a 4 and a wink!! Oh Happy Days.

Well Blayne has left the building, I feel very sad. To be honest it is one of those situations where I don't think I made the best of the opportunity. In truth we did move in just as we were hit by the coldest fucking winter on record. So Blayne spent two months moaning about the cold. I spent it worrying about the cost of the heating. (Note to self :- people are more important than money).

So for the record Blayne Scroggins is a thoroughly decent human being and I will miss him and I hope to learn to become a more tolerant person as a result of the last six months.

This time last year I was really happy I had Jo's 40th birthday to look forward to and then a holiday in a villa in Menorca. The birthday went well the holiday was fantastic (i thought) then I won four grand on the Derby then WHAM! No not the coiffured, wake me up before you go go duo but 'BASH' have that. Jo said 'enough is enough I can't go on' and I had to walk out of the door as I weren't needed anymore. I had served my purpose.

Have you ever noticed how life sometimes sends you a wave of happiness that you ride for a while, like some carefree surfer on prozac and then suddenly life gets a bit bored with that and the tide turns. Suddenly you find yourself thrashing about in a tsunami of shit, desperately trying to stay afloat.

My personal view is that we are all part off one thing that ebbs and flows, animals, plants, insects, fish. The earth the land the rivers and seas, all just part of life's big cycle................ Big wheel keeps on turning, proud Mary keeps on burning, and we're rolling.......rolling.......rolling down the river...................

So anyway as you can probably gather I am not in the best place emotionally this morning, feel quite lonely, struggling to find some hope and really could do with a shag. The funny thing about sex is, when you are with someone and getting it, it is far less important in your life, than when you are on your own and going without. This ties in with my 'we are all part of one thing' theory when you are not experiencing that closeness you are missing out. Like eating, drinking and breathing sex helps you refuel in some way.

I maintain that there are no emotions involved in sex, not really, love is an emotion sex is physical, we are brought up in a society that seems to deliberately confuse this.

I thought I would do some sit ups this morning, but I didn't, I consoled myself by thinking 'well it is the thought that counts.' I did, however walk Edward, I do enjoy our morning walks, we have to avoid all the other dog walkers as Eddie goes quite mental when he sees another dog, so we tend to take a zig-zaggy route to a nearby stream, which is usually quite deserted at the time me and Ed go.

I take some bread to feed the swans and the ducks, there is a little threesome going on with two males and a female duck. They are obviously quite liberated and are three of the friendliest birds you could wish to meet. They always swim over to see if I have any Tesco's salt and pepper bread which is delicious.

Occasionally Eddie for some ungodly reason decides it would be great fun to roll in and cover himself in shit. Duck shit, goose shit, swan shit, fox shit. I then have to try to get his lead back on, without getting any foul or fowl excrement on my hands and walk him home to give him a good shower. He knows he is in my bad books as the return journey is made in stony silence.

Once I had washed the above mentioned beagle, I decided to mow the lawn, the lawn at the front of the semi-detached chalet bungalow was very long and (smelly!!) as a hay fever sufferer I am not too keen on the smell of freshly cut grass. Sadly on returning to the house, owing to the length of the lawn to my dismay I discovered I had stood in some concealed cat shit, quite a big cat, at a guess something like a fucking escaped lion that had been dining on cauliflower cheese! The smell was that bad!!

Once I had cleaned my shoes I thought I would write a bit more of this, my embryonic masterpiece, I was interrupted by the portly canine, who it appeared was about to vomit. He is a good boy with stuff like that and luckily we got to the back garden before he could decorate the 1970's carpets with dog sick, to be fair it would have been in keeping with the pattern.

4 Months to save a life

It was on the 11^th of June 2010, that my life took a turn for the worse, my wife seemed cold towards me, I was going to write 'oddly' cold but in truth just colder than usual. You see in films where the hero says to the heroine how she looks beautiful when she is angry, well that was not the case with the then Mrs Wright.

Two days earlier I had paid out £400 to have a new kitchen and utility room floor fitted, we had been in the house for four and a half years and it was the last of the jobs that needed doing, everything was now just as we wanted it. As it turned out it was 'almost' just as my first wife wanted it.

So it was then, on emerging from the en-suite shower room that fateful Friday morning, that I was greeted by 'Thunder Face' I am sure something like Facebook would say that was her Red Indian name, anyway Thunder Face says to me. 'I don't love you anymore Gary, I think it is time for you to move out!'

'Well you could have said something before I paid for the new floor in the kitchen and utility room' I said. Needless to say this remark did not impress Mrs Wright, who farted loudly as she was prone to do of a morning and left the bedroom telling me I should be gone by the weekend.

I moved into the spare room that night and have not actually slept in a bed since I have a kind of fold down chair that me and the chunky beagle 'Edward' sleep on.

Despite threats of informing social services that I was abusing her teenage daughter (obviously I wasn't)  and the continuous shouting, (you have heard of a Town Crier, well my wife could have got a job as Country Crier, for somewhere like China!)I managed to stay in the house with my sanity still relatively intact until the end of October, when, I had to admit defeat and leave the house that had felt so much like home to me. I really do miss that house and Michael the cat, who I had to leave behind.

Thunder Face was keen that I take the podgy beagle, as now she had the house just as she wanted it she did not want dog hair all over the place. My ex-wife works from home as a hairdresser.

So for the last six months I have been living in a grotty little chalet bungalow, with an old friend Blayne Scroggins, he was also left in the shit by a female. The winter was very hard and I saw it basically as training for vagrancy. Sorry I neglected to mention that two years earlier I had been made redundant from my job in the civil service and am currently living off my savings. Blayne moves out tomorrow, so I am on my own, which is a worry, I am not big on solitude!