In these trying times, our mental well being is increasingly coming under the spotlight with that in mind I just thought I would write about my own experiences with mental health/fitness. Having gone through lots of troubled times myself I think it helps to know, many people go through similar rough patches, where it is difficult to see a way out or make sense of things. It does not mean you are a failure it is part of being human. I am not an expert, just someone who has struggled to varying degrees my whole life. All I can do really is give an insight into the things that have helped me along the way.
All through my twenties I struggled badly with thoughts of suicide and as a result I had loads of counselling, which kind of numbed those feelings a little.
In my early forties I did a course in hypnotherapy, I became fascinated with how our minds work, especially the relationship between the conscious and sub conscious. I honestly think human beings are all pretty similar and if you can get an idea of why you are thinking the things you're thinking it is a massive help.
So, the first thing for me that is really important is that out minds are miraculous, like a guardian angel. As human beings we like to
feel we are in control, change is unsettling, so whenever we have to experience or learn something new, it is challenging and can cause us anxiety. Our sub-conscious does not want that, it wants everything to be as easy as possible for us, so on many occasions our natural response is to find the easiest and quickest way to stop feeling uncomfortable. This may often involve trying to find ways to not face up to challenges. To make excuses, to run away. (fight or flight)
Think about your first driving lesson, most of us think 'Jesus I am never gonna get the hang of this', so the easiest thing would be to quit. However, because most of us have a strong desire to learn to drive we fight those feelings and push through our doubts and eventually pass our driving test. Now, this is where the miracles start. Imagine trying to forget how to drive, it would be virtually impossible and compare that to all the self doubt most people have after their first lesson. Once we have learned a new task, established a new pattern our subconscious stores it for us so, as with driving, becomes second nature, we no longer feel anxious about it we just do it and that is pretty much the same with every new thing we learn. Learning to walk, riding a bike, driving a car those patterns become ingrained and we no longer have to think about them. That is a really important thing to remember because the subconscious does not distinguish between physical and emotional, neither does it distinguish between positive or negative so we can also establish negative and positive emotional patterns. We can learn a foreign language (positive) and we can learn to smoke (negative). We can learn to be insecure, just as we can learn to be confident these patterns of behaviour become like second nature to us.
I will give you an example, years ago I became infatuated by a woman I worked with, she was married we got friendly and although i would have liked more... that was as far it went. Now for a year I just became the bloke who loved a person I could not have, I wallowed in my own misery, every sodding day I would tell people how sad I was, how much I loved her, how i didn't want to live without her.
So, just like driving a car I established a pattern...I was thoroughly miserable but I knew exactly how I was gonna behave everyday, being unhappy was easy, I did not have to think about it, I knew it would get me attention and just like driving a car it became like second nature to me. Being Gary, the morose loser, was so very easy I didn't have to think about it, my subconscious took care of it. It took me a year to realise that I had to establish a new pattern.
Now during that time I once again contemplated suicide a lot, in fact quite a few people referred to me as Suicide Gaz, these thoughts had plagued me virtually my entire adult life, I guess as far as my sub-conscious was concerned it was an easy way out.
I remember one particular day when I was very low a chap I worked with made me promise him I would not go home and do anything stupid, made me promise that I would be at work the next day. I made that promise and quite obviously i was at work the next day.
This got me thinking, for most of us being strong for other people is much easier than being strong for ourselves, even if we are feeling really shit, if someone needs our help we tend to be there for them. So this caused me to rethink how I saw suicide...I personally do consider it to be a fairly selfish act and in the majority of scenarios I do not regard it as brave. This is not to be disparaging to anyone who has those thoughts as the vast majority of us humans are far more selfish than we care to admit but many of us also have far more courage than we give ourselves credit for, especially when it comes to fighting for or supporting others. When you think you have hit rock bottom and feel like giving up the brave thing is to carry on. If not for yourself then for those around you who love you.
This is the thought that changed everything for me I stopped thinking in terms of killing myself and instead i asked myself "Gary (as that's my name) do you really want to murder your parent's son, your sister's brother, your Grandma's grandson. Do you really want to take that pain you are feeling now, multiply it and give it to all those people who love and care about you, let them carry it with them all their lives...is that what you want?" I still get very low but that was a game changer for me, if i thought about it in those terms then it made it far more difficult to contemplate, it was no longer an option. That being the case it forced me to seek other methods of getting by, getting through the crap times.
Many of us make the mistake, when things go wrong to waste time wishing things were different, rather than dealing with the way things are. Initially our sub-conscious is always anxious about change so does all it can to avoid it. It is why, break ups, losing jobs, maybe losing your home are so difficult, unwanted change is being forced upon us... but think about it even with positive change getting new jobs, starting new relationships, buying a new home, going on holiday all these things also cause us anxiety. The first day in a new job or a first date are daunting experiences. We have the same uncomfortable feelings but we push through the prize is our motivation. The potential reward makes us confront and overcome our discomfort.
There is an argument that being happy is a choice, worrying less again is a choice, trying to see the positives being less judgemental, all choices. I absolutely love a quote bt Voltaire "Doubt is uncomfortable but certainty is absurd" It is so true you can only really hate if you have a misguided certainty in your own beliefs. When we find ourselves being particularly opinionated and intolerant we should always remain open to the possibility we may be wrong.
I still get very low, Christ I am 56 I live with my parents, I am single, i have no job and a rapidly dwindling bank account in all the ways that society judges us, i am a failure. When i think of how my life could be better i sometimes wish (well often wish to be fair) that i had more money...that might never happen. I wish i had an attractive woman in my life, that again is a longshot. Sometimes on the really bad days...I wish I was dead... that is absolutely certain to happen one day, it is a given. It will happen so why rush it. Especially when even in the crappiest of times there is always something to make you smile, little miracles happen every day. Sometimes when i am out walking the dog, early in the morning and i am sure there is nobody else around I look at the sky I see birds flying, I look at my dog strutting along full of joy and I just say aloud "Thank you" it is daft but it causes me to smile. The majority of us are also lucky in that we have people in our lives who care about us and who we in return care for too.
Life is complicated and it is tough but at the same time it is intriguing and amazing it is a crazy trip where every destination is temporary. Every ending a new beginning. It is one of our societies many failings that we are conditioned to strive for the illusion of permanence in a world of constant change. To such an extent that every morning we wake up in a slightly different body than the one we went to sleep in. The body we currently inhabit is very different to the one we had when we were a child.
Living in the moment is an incredibly simple concept but takes real discipline to do, it takes real effort to establish a pattern that involves worrying less and seeing worries and problems as challenges and opportunities to grow... but just like driving a car with discipline and determination over time new positive patterns can be established, ultimately becoming ingrained.
When we feel physically unfit & want to improve we exercise maybe join a gym, we know this will involve hard work. We would not join a gym, do a couple of press up, then grab some chocolate and go sit in front of the telly for an hour. We know we have to push ourselves and that takes determination and discipline. Exercise then becomes a habit, we establish a pattern the more we do the easier it gets.
When we want to improve intellectually, we study, again this involves hard work we do not expect it to be easy. We have to apply ourselves.
Mentally and emotionally we make the mistake of thinking things should be easy and if we struggle, become unhappy we think and in many cases now are told, there is something wrong with us. The majority of the time, there really isn't... it is just the way we have been conditioned by society. We are very harsh on ourselves, very critical quite unforgiving we would never talk to a friend who came to us for help the way we talk to ourselves. ("Pull yourself together" Don't be so pathetic" "Get a grip") They probably would not be our friends for very long if we did. Life is forever giving us emotional and mental challenges, unlike our physical health, we don't have to join a gym, the challenges present themselves on a daily basis and they provide us with opportunities to grow, to become mentally stronger, fitter and to develop emotionally. In the same way our physical finess impacts on our physical health then our mental fitness impacts on our mental health. The difference being society encourages us, as individuals, to take ownership of our physical fitness, whereas currently, in this divisive time of victims and the easily offended, I am not sure the same messages apply to our mental fitness.
Life is not easy, if it was it would be boring. Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.
About five years ago i discovered a book called the Tao te Ching, it is all about seeing ourselves and nature as one, living in harmony with our environment, nature and seeing all life as equal. One of the 81 verses states that in nature every storm, no matter how intense, will pass. It goes on to say that if nature with all it's power cannot maintain such intense storms how then can man? Whenever you have intense feelings always remember they will pass. The sun will shine through the clouds and things will change and 99.9% of the time we cope with those changes.
The Caging of George James eBook : Wright, Gary: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store
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