CHAPTER FIVE TYING THE KNOT

 

CHAPTER FIVE

TYING THE KNOT

During the month of July I had my 41st birthday Ed was convalescing and me and Jo were putting the final touches to our wedding plans, again it was all very hectic but it was so good to feel alive to feel part of something. I say that, me and Jo were very volatile, we were both, let's say 'complicated' characters. Looking back I might not have got married if it wasn't for Ed. Unfortunately for me I am one of life's worriers and have to constantly fight the voices in my head that are looking for reasons not to do things rather than just dive in. Jo was just the opposite. At times our characters worked quite well together the flip side was we had quite a lot of rows. I think Jo found me a frustrating person to argue with as I rarely lose my temper and certainly not with a woman.

Jo had been married before to Bob the Elton John lookalike, she had left him for a woman. When Jo had told me she was bisexual, i quite liked the idea of that, a bisexual hairdresser how very glamorous I thought, very exotic, nearly as good as a stripper. Full disclosure I was thinking threesomes! You have to remember I had led a very frustrating life.

Up until the age of thirty I had been condemned to live like a monk, thinking about religion though I should imagine monk's got more action. My crime, I was nice, too nice where the majority of ladies were concerned, especially the type I was attracted too. I was complicit in my celibacy, I was painfully shy, had zero self-confidence and regarded myself as worthless. Plus I had a problem with my foreskin (you weren't expecting that were you reader) it was ridiculously tight but even though I had plucked up the courage to express these concerns to my doctor when I was 16 I did not get a circumcision operation till I was 25. I carry a lot of bitterness and resentment about that.

Coupled with my lack of confidence, whenever women did show an interest, i just got swallowed up by fear and my own insecurities. Though much of the time the girls who fancied me were too nice. The irony is not lost on me!

In my first job though I had worked in a betting office the manager at the time was also called Joanne and I think the only thing stopping me there were concerns over my cock. Looking back I think if I could have had a normal happy life with anyone, she was probably the one it could have been with.

OK so back to July 2006, Ed was doing ok, though he was not allowed to go for walks and he was taking loads of steroids. I think I missed our walks just as much as he did. Due to the nature of my relationship, taking Ed for a walk often relieved a lot of pressure. I missed the "Mawninbiggleboiys" and the idle chit chat with random Whittlesey residents, at the time the majority of the residents of Whittlesey could be described as a bit random. I love Whittlesey people though, my Mums family are from Whittlesey.

Another thing Whittlesey had going for it and I should not really say this in a chapter about the run up to my wedding but there were lots of gorgeous women in Whittlesey. It was only a small town but it had an unusually large number of pubs and more importantly as far as i was concerned, hairdressing salons. There were some incredibly sexy looking women living in Whittlesey, yes indeedy Whittlesey was my kinda town.

So poor Ed was not getting any exercise, he was having to take loads of steroids and he loved to eat, not a good combination for an already big boned beagle. Plus he had to endure all the madness going on around him in the run up too the marriage. He did have Michael to keep him company though. After a turbulent start, they now got on pretty well and often I would find them sat together at the living room window...looking out, turning their backs on the chaos.

Jo was going to be married in a kind of plum coloured dress. I was very pleased with myself as I had channelled my inner Gok Wan and picked up a suit for £35 from Westgate House, it was black with a plummy coloured pinstripe. I was thinking colour co-ordination.

We got married at Peterborough Registry Office, with friends and family in attendance. G and my nieces were bridesmaids and the service went very smoothly, though Jo did struggle to get my ring over my knuckle, then of course it was loose. I had to take it off when we got home, it looked ridiculous, like a big bangle on a thin wrist.

After the service I popped home to check on Ed then went on to a pre-arranged meal for a few close friends and family, in a local restaurant, there were only about twenty people there and that is where we did the speeches. I don't actually mind standing up and talking to an audience, which is a bit odd considering my lack of confidence in most other areas of my life.

I had been best man once before for my mate Steve and I had been cool with that (once i started talking). He had his reception in a sort of converted barn out in the countryside and halfway through the reception a goat wandered in.

"Gary there is a goat" he pointed out.

"Oh yea" I said and smiled... animals always make me smile.

"Well?" said Steve.

"Well what?"

"Well...get rid of it"

"Why me?"

"Cuz you're the best man!"

I guess I could have argued that I knew i had to look after the rings, I knew I had to make a speech, tell the bridesmaids how lovely they looked, read out some congratulatory messages and toast the bride and groom but nowhere on my list of duties did it specify 'Remove goat from reception hall' but I felt that would be unnecessarily pedantic on Steve's big day so I set about shooing Billy Goat Gruff from the hall before he set his sights on the nibbles.

Anyway back to my own nuptials once the cosy after service meal had finished. I once again headed home to check on Ed, before getting ready for the evening reception at the Peterborough Rugby Club to which a larger group of people had been invited. Now that event did not go as smoothly as the meal. When we got there we realised there was another party going on for a load of Rugby Players! I would have preferred a herd of goats if I am being honest. I thought "Oh shit! Once they see all Jo's hairdresser friends all hair and boobs (some natural some fake, surprisingly it was around a 50/50 split) things could get messy." Added to that complication the DJ didn't turn up, this was very upsetting for Jo but I said 'don't worry me and my mate Kev will do it.' My mate Kev who was drinking a pint and chatting up one of the sexy Land Registry ladies I had invited said "What!?" I got the impression he wasn't keen on being Smashy to my Nicey, or maybe he had better things to do.

So I got on the phone to the company who were meant to supply the DJ. They apologised and said they would take 50% off the fee. I told them I wasn't paying 50% when he hadn't even turned up! "My wife is hysterical" i said. The fellow on the end of the line obviously fancied himself as a comedian and asked if I was marrying Catherine of Aragon?

"What!?" I found myself quoting Kev. "No not historical...hysterical!" I said in my most manly tone.

Anyway the DJ control centre sent out an emergency DJ who arrived about an hour later than the original had been scheduled to begin and the rest of the night went quite well... other than the bride and grooms dance! Now because I don't really like dancing, I get quite self conscious, Jo had agreed that I could choose the song. Well when I say I didn't like dancing I didn't mind the odd bit of raving. However, No Good by Prodigy, I felt probably was not appropriate. I still found myself in my new wife's bad books though. I could tell as we danced to Masterplan by Oasis that she had been expecting something more romantic. I looked out at the crowd which had circled around us as we danced and noticed that many of the hairdresser types were shaking their heads. Not good!

Once we had got the dance out of the way i wanted to get home to see how Ed was, which was understandable as the very next morning the wife and I were setting off to honeymoon on the beautiful island of Menorca and knew I was really going to miss him.